Yellow Submarine

Culture, heritage, history ….they all sound like big & important words and I agree that every community’s identity is based on them.
Call me a racist dickhead or a biased naive vegan (mess with me and you’d see how much punch I pack even with my vegetarian diet) but I feel that the Yellow people ( Yes, the small eyed Asians) have gone way too far with clinging on to their ‘culture’ shit in terms of their cuisine.

Korea, to begin with, I don’t differentiate if its North or South since they both seem to have one common disgusting choice of delicacy. Dogs.
Yes, you heard it right, Dogs. The smaller it is the tender the meat is. You have got to be one real heartless douche bag to chop a little puppy into equal sized pieces. Now that’s the nutrition/consumption part.
What really bothers me is the ‘cultural’ aspect of it, traditional butchering methods call for intense torture before the slaughter. Some of the common methods include:
1. Hanging the dog/puppy upside down and then beating him to pulp while the animal is still alive, since ‘traditional guidelines’ mention that the meat becomes more tender the more suffering the animal goes through
2. Skinning the Dog alive and giving it mild electric shocks so that the panic releases ‘stress juices’ that make the meat more delicious

http://www.lifeinthefastlane.ca/dog-meat-in-beijing-ordered-off-menu-for-olympics/offbeat-news



Next on my list is the Sunrise nation, the country where everybody is constantly in an epic pose giving victory signals to each other and discussing the 15 different types of camera every citizen needs to possess as per law. Japan.

Japan’s hatred and vow to finish everything that’s in the sea started with Pearl Harbor. They started with big ships, but when they got their ass kicked, they relented to smaller targets like whales. They took their defeat after Pearl Harbor so seriously that now they have decided to finish off all existing whales from the seas of the world.

They have gone to the extent of getting approvals and permissions to continue whaling for ‘SCIENTIFIC REASONS’ while whaling stays illegal all throughout the world. Now wait a second, do you really need 1000 Whales a year to do your ‘sea life’ tests. I mean, aren’t these tests supposed to be beneficial for sea life, by finding ways to improve whale lives. Maybe the Japanese took the Islamic Terrorism model too seriously and want to ensure 72 virgins for the whales in THE NEXT LIFE.

That’s their scientific research.

They would put Greenpeace activists in jail, ensure a steady supply of prostitutes and cash for UN officials responsible for enforcing a complete whaling ban, sell Whale Fish as ‘Beeg Tunaa Fees Meet’ in their markets. There is no stopping, Japan is here to stay and Whales are there to go (forever).

Their cultural diktats mention how whale meat increases potency and vigor (no wonder they do 14 hour factory shifts and sleep when it’s time to make love), whale meat is a high source of energy (making your hand do the V sign 12 hrs a day REALLY drains the energy out). So hats off to another culture.

Third on my list are the Chinese. You’ve gotta give it to them, they are the fairest of the lot, they do not discriminate and eat everything from insects to Sharks. What’s important to note here is that China does not have a food grain shortage or a love for these animals. Apparently, the rarer is the animal is, the more prestigious it is ‘culturally’ to turn it into human excreta by transporting it via the human intestines.

Shark fin soup, Tiger Claw aphrodisiac, Rhino Horn powder, Lion Skin panties…the list is big..Not just the delicacies but also the WWF Endangered animal list. The Chinese do not shy away from wiping an animal off the face of the earth (They want supremacy, highest number of ‘animals’ on the planet should be Chinese people themselves) .




The funny thing is, scientifically proven, none of the animal body parts bring the desired results for which they are killed. It’s just a ‘tradition’ that they follow blindly.

Now that’s what happens when you let Jackie Chan write your cultural blueprint !

Raging blood lines and the metal boot – Kashmir

Another few dead yesterday in Srinagar, for the first few days I tried to read a bit about the casualties but then if it’s all consistent, the people become numbers and the interest wanes out gradually ( for that matter even the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico has moved to Page 3 from the headlines).

Kashmir doesn’t send shivers down anybody’s spine anymore irrespective of where they come from. Isn’t it the place where shit goes down every other day anyway?


From an Indian perspective, the place has come a long way from being a state that wanted to shake hands and be all happy with its Union into the Islamic Republic of Pakistan to a state that produced the Indian Administrative Services Exam topper. A state famous for supplying images of mutilated body parts of violence victims for the daily news, to a state registering record number of tourists in holiday season.


From a Kashmiri perspective, the initial hype about Pakistan being the chosen one has died out and a neutral independent approach has gained significant strength.
So how do people end up dead in streets and the Indian Government and Armed forces find themselves standing at the edge of the blame finger? Why & how does the seasonal anti-India tirade gain momentum at short notices?
The answer lies in the most eternal answer to every problem in the world. Power & Money.
(Coolio had figured it all out in his famous track – Gangster’s Paradise!)

Shielded by the AFSPA (Armed forces special protection act), the CRPF practices least restraint while using the trigger. I mean they do shoot in the air, but forget to look up if someone happens to be in a balcony or at a window. Why don’t they care? They don’t because they are sent to protect people whom they know detest them.

That’s a shit deal!

The government pushes armed forces into Kashmir thinking it will lend a sense of security and maintain a state of preparedness incase Pakistan tries to experiment at garnering support from locals again. The armed forces step in looking to be revered and respected for the wonderful job they signed up for, instead receive cold stares and a bounty of hate. That’s a prime time Confusion State.


Now in this Confusion state, add a bit of politics. Hurriyat and Separatist groups vying for attention and aid money. They would do whatever it takes to make the best of this potluck of vested interests. Choose the right time (Amarnath Yatra involves lakhs of tourists and the world will watch), choose the right weather and raise the tempo again.


The CRPF, already disillusioned about why they are there in the first place is ready for its share of action. According to the flavor of the season, throw in some stone pelting, Pakistan flag waving and bunker burning and there we are, a perfect recipe for disaster.


It gives enough fodder for right wing Hindu parties to ask for support to crush the ‘Intolerant separatist Muslim terrorists’.

It gives enough attention and body bags to the Kashmiri groups to indulge in self pity and seek international aid for the remaining one year.

It gives the armed forces the much needed lessons in riot control and curfew operations, some of them even get medals for their ‘valor’.

It gives the Government of India another reason to maintain a high defense budget and the reason for military presence in Kashmir.

It’s a win-win situation! Everyone gets something out of it, so why the commotion.


People will crib about it, right after ordering a pizza they will write social networking updates through their GPRS enabled cellular devices, showing how concerned they are. Facebook groups will be created and the street children killed in these protests will be on those groups, next to the ONLINE group that claims at saving the tiger.

The Kashmiriyat that is said to be defended against occupation, dies the moment you let your kid out to a protest march.


The Democracy dies the moment you shield the armed forces from prosecution for shooting citizens of a state you call your own.


And our conscience dies everyday when we fail to register identities and a protestor becomes a Muslim and a soldier becomes an infidel.

20th May - Draw Muhammad Day - Why or Why Not ?

Before we go on a timeline study or historical perspective behind the specified day & date, lets learn a thing or two about children :-)

Eric Cartman happens to be a mean evil 8 year old who knows no respect for elders or society. He demonstrates absolute lack of tolerance towards different races, religions and communities and is religiously scheming new tricks to ridicule people. I believe that;s reason enough for him to be the most cherished animated character across the world.

As a follower of SouthPark and as a tolerant individual who's always game for a good laugh irrespective of its political correctness, I was looking forward to the 200th episode of the animated series.

Even before I could have a faint idea about the possible plot of the episode, death threats were issue to Matt Stone and Trey Parker who have successfully been entertaining the world for the last 13 years.

Apparently, the episodes 200 and 201 planned to show the Prophet Muhammad along side other gods like Jesus,Buddha and Krishna. Islam forbids any form of depiction involving the Prophet and this was blasphemous.

The notable point here is that the Prophet was not portrayed in poor light ( snorting cocaine or watching porn) but as a regular normal superpower who says OK and thanks ( that's it).

Radical Islam is a disease and a venomous snake that has been hissing and biting for quite some time now, it raised its hood once again over an animated series with threats to kill people/blow up offices. Sigh.

It so happened that the weak kneed Viacom decided to censor the parts depicting the Prophet and even censored a speech at the end of the show by Kyle ( an 8 year old kid). Fans worldwide were furious , some were pretty disappointed and I was one of them.

The Western world has gifted its citizens with the tool called ' Freedom of expression', and they were bound to be P I S S E D with this display of surrender to violent threats by Viacom. Thus started the movement where the intention was "You can threaten and kill 2 producers, but how can you kill a million people ? Fuck you Mr. Terrorist but I'm just about to draw the Prophet Muhammad"

Allegations and counter allegations later, Facebook-Youtube-Twitter were blocked in many Islamic countries and the Mullahs of the world proved yet again how insecure they are about their religion. I mean seriously, a religion under threat from the internet ? What are we doing here, its real fuckin life , not some Michael Bay directed Sci-fi movie where internet takes over the world ( for cryin out loud) !

If you have a problem with SouthPark, Don't watch it !

If you have a problem with Facebook, don't create an account on it !

If you have a problem with Internet, Urinate on your computers !

If you don't get laid and think life sucks , BLOW YOUR OWN COUNTRY UP, NOT US TOLERANT EDUCATED SOUTHPARK LOVERS!!


None of the other religions whose gods were portrayed ( that too in a sarcastic way, snorting coke n shit), had any problem. No Death threats were issues, no protest marches with burning flags on streets, no cap wearing leaders issuing prize money on murdering the producers. Only the mascots of the religion of piece(s) found another reason to alienate themselves and the unsuspecting moderate innocents of their own community from the developed world.

Il go do my Idol worship and cling to my sacred cow, and if you have issues too, then go walk around that black box, but for GOD's SAKE don't talk shit about South park !

Screw you guys, I'm goin home.

Cricket, UN and a set of balls

To begin with, I have always had a gut feeling that my passport would be snatched away abruptly by the government if they figured out that I lack the three basic ingredients of the Indian male.

1. I hate cricket
2. I don’t drink tea
3. I don’t scratch my balls in public

Coming to Cricket, it doesn’t amaze me that it’s a religion and undoubtedly the most popular game in the country. It’s probably the only game that allows you to be on the field and still have enough time to have tea, give television interviews, enjoy a cold pint, do your taxes and of course SCRATCH YOUR BALLS.


In the recent wake of the resignation of Dr. Shashi Tharoor over IPL Cricket controversy, I was angry-ashamed- tired at the same time. The dumb pot bellied tax evading citizens of India have once again proven that under no circumstances would an educated man be allowed to hold an office of repute.

What pisses me off additionally this time is that, a man of global stature who had a spotless and impressive career at the UN was humiliated and judged by immigrant Bihari reporters working for 3000 Rupees a month at a dozen odd ‘new Age news channels’ a.k.a Aaj Tak and India TV (A major portion of the 3000 goes into buying sleazy Hindi porn magazines showcasing Kamlesh and Pusspa from Darbhanga, for facilitating their hand motion routine to stay focused for the job)

The man who was in all aspects, eligible to be the next Prime Minister of India or at least be the recipient of a national honor has been subjected to pure unadulterated nonsense which the Indian masses readily gobbled up in the form of sensationalist news entertainment.

On the other hand are people like Lalit Modi, who learnt their dirty tactics at home during dinner table sessions. Coming from uneducated business families where it was all about making money and immigrating to a country where a 7/11 store could be operated with ease. Running the IPL franchisee with a typical Guajarati/Punjabi mindset. (Put half baked dancing chicks, make sure they are white, bombard all TV channels, buy stadiums then put em on rent, and YES help your own community...Aakhir Narendra Ji apne hi to hain)

I thank god for granting me the required quota of sanity for not being part of this retard crowd my country is full of, who do not raise their voice against the ejection of a wise and deserving man from the machinery that runs the nation.
I also salute Lalit and Narendra Modi for being able to have anal sex with their mother. Who needs Lashkar-e-Tayeba or Hizbul Mujahideen when we have these blood sucking sons of the motherland who do the job for them. A suicide bomber would kill 20 people at most, the ejection of a wise man from policy making affects the lives of millions. Go do the math yourself.
Screw you guys, im goin home.

Winning Hearts and Minds

With the dozen odd rendezvous that I have had with NATO/US Army convoys on the roads of Afghanistan, a common warning has been issued by almost everyone who has spent more than 3 months in the country. Not driving on the road while they do and not looking at them in the eye while they spend the time ‘liberating’ this country.

The morning of the day before, an unsuspecting bus driver in Kandahar city happened to leave the bus terminal just about the same time a ‘Fuck-yeah-man-we’re-the-fuckin-marines-bro-hoooahh’ convoy was rolling down the same street. Outcome – 4 dead bus passengers and 12 injured including kids and women.

This was not a new or shocking incident; it was the third in a week of its kind. As a standard protocol the US military announced that the incident was ‘unfortunate’, I guess they forgot to add the words like ‘avoidable’ and ‘unnecessary’ to it.

8 years into the war, Afghanistan is still a no-go for the civilized world and western troops are witnessing more violence against them than what they encountered 4-5 years ago. Taliban issue threats and rule the land with their proxy government while the NATO/US Army control areas no more than 200 meter radiuses from their compounds. The whole farce of liberating the country is coming of age and the true cracks in the ‘coalition of the willing’ are starting to emerge with many nations planning to withdraw troops from Afghanistan ( Netherlands even had a parliamentary change of government due to the issue!)

Another problem lies with the low IQ levels and short sightedness of the American public who are easily deceived by the media and their government. They were forced to believe that some 18th century -Quran reading-outdated Kalashnikov wielding tribal Taliban managed to get a resident US Visa ( I couldn’t!) and then slammed into the WTC after intense training at flight schools. YEAH RIGHT. Majority of American citizens DO NOT know the difference between an Afghan, Arab and Persian. (Do you?)
Even as an Indian, I am considered as an Arab sometimes by Americans! I’m supposed to be angry, but I laugh, I laugh at their ignorance and amuse myself with the fact that THESE men and women are the future of America.
If you lack the basic knowledge of the geography and its people, then why the FUCK do you support the war that you have no clue about ?

No wonder I am a strong believer in the theory of New world order and power shift between east and west, these men and women will be instrumental for the east becoming more powerful in the next quarter century.

All said n done, Taliban needed to go, THAT part of the deal was good. Giving the people of this country some breathing space was the best intent and thought behind operation Enduring Freedom. So how did this get screwed up midway? Why do the people who were supposed to cheer for the GI Joes and support them unconditionally are now against the ‘liberation turned occupation’ of their country.

It’s simple; trigger happy 18 year olds who transitioned from Xbox 360 to real world Afghanistan and armed with the license to kill are screwing up the whole deal. These lower middle class American youngsters from lifestyles where they had nothing to do, and now armed to the teeth are on an all expenses paid adrenaline trip and lack the maturity to maintain public faith in their favor.

The attitude of anything goes in the war on terror provides enough immunity to these soldiers to get away with murder. 8 years in Iraq and now American troops are on their way out with Iraq worse than ever before. No Law and order, farcical government and devastated citizens. Eye-Rack is now Liberated, Good Job Marines..Hooaaahh! (Maybe we should rename the country I-wreck).

Are we looking at a second Iraq in the making and a third Vietnam for the strongest military in the world?

Well, at this point someone has got to tell these guys that shooting innocent civilians in the chest and head isn’t exactly winning hearts and minds.

Another day In Kabul

HAPPIER DAYS AT THE SAFI LANDMARK










With an abrupt message from my friend Darren who lives in the city centre of Kabul, I had another tryst with the much discussed way of living in Afghanistan. Darren lives hardly a kilometer away from the Safi Landmark complex in Kabul which came under multiple suicide attacks this morning. I write this post as my fellow colleagues are focused on getting as much information possible from within the close knit Indian community in Kabul. Busy on their mobiles phones and hooked on to television sets, everyone knows the reason behind the attack on the Indian run hotel this morning. Surprisingly, India had warned Pakistan from sponsoring terror against Indians just yesterday. Do the math yourself.

Darren’s message at 8 am was not to inform about the blast or his safety. It was to check on me, since all dead in the attacks this morning happened to be Indians.
As our country goes on and starts a fresh round of ‘composite dialogue’ with Pakistan, the only question that my mind raises in anger is ‘WHAT THE FUCK’. We have had 60 years of dialogue with a bunch of morons representing the government of a country that has no democracy and no one exactly knows who’s running it! What is the guarantee that the Pakistani Prime Minister will not be assassinated or asked to leave the country next month?

They don’t have an economy, survive on bread crumbs thrown in by the US as an incentive to keep a tab on Taliban, their people kill their own people every second day in bomb blasts across multiple cities and the future of the citizens bleak with visa restrictions and masses treading the radical Islamic path. Gradually the country is digressing into decadence and a doomed future. With such a situation we understand that Pakistan is jealous of India’s rising position in world politics and the constant growth in economy and quality of life.

Yes, India has its problems too but unlike Pakistan, our biggest export to the world is not Terrorism and radical Islam.

The Safi Landmark hotel in Kabul was a sign of progress and prosperity, the chic cafes and the swish boutiques were a pleasant recluse for the people of Kabul who had been longing to have their share of globalization and little luxuries of life. However, how could the Pakistan backed Taliban tolerate this little indulgence the Kabul citizens subscribed to. How dare they enjoy an evening when Peshawar and Lahore get bombed? Pakistan is fucked, and they shall ensure everyone else is too!
The focus of attack this morning was an Indian restaurant that was visited by Indians and other expats, the motive and the message clear, Pakistan does not want cordial India-Afghanistan relations.

For those of you new to the subject, here is a one liner that might give you a heads up: Taliban is NOT an Afghan organization as presumed, it is a Peshawar backed organization funded by the ISI – The military wing of Pakistan’s defense forces.
The Afghans and Indians share much more than cinema, lasting friendship and cordial relations. It’s a common thread that binds the two countries and makes Indians like me feel at home and enjoy the warmth of Afghan Hospitality – It’s the hate towards Pakistan.

The attack this morning just made the Indian- Afghan bond stronger. The infidel Darren from UK has been invited by Infidel Prateek for a few beers and life goes on in Kabul. Jai Hind!

Susceptibility to pressure – Halloween in India

I write this text while sub consciously thinking of ways to get rid of the hangover I face due to the slightly exuberant consumption last night. Most of the people I know were out partying and I faintly remember being greeted with smiles and ‘Happy Halloween’ merchandise in the wee hours of the morning.

My initial eruptions of resistance emerged during my first encounters with Halloween party celebrations on social networking websites, that claimed to give you the spookiest night in town etc etc.

When the likes of Ashok and Pushpa express their excitement and discuss their state of preparedness for the Halloween celebrations, it makes me wonder about the extent of inroads that American culture (commercial aspect of it) has made into the lives of unsuspecting gullible global consumers.

Under no circumstances and in no way am I opposed to cultures coming together and people learning about different traditions and rituals, however, the ritualistic/meaningful aspect of Halloween has been lost somewhere between the costumes and the exorbitant ‘couple entry charges’ at every club that wants to milk this cash cow.

If Diwali, Christmas and Eid can be celebrated at home, what makes Halloween a tradition that somehow is restricted to clubs and parties!

If the real tradition is studied and compared, Hinduism has something similar in form of Shraadh and Shanichari Amavas ( The Moon-less night on a Saturday). Better than that, the Aghorees of Varanasi can make the Pumpkin ghosts shit their pants any given day.
But who cares, that’s so ‘local’ yaar, Halloween is ‘cool’, that’s the USP.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aghori)
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amavasya)

The Average mundane concerned nationalistic retard would dutifully blame it on the ‘West’ and brush it off as “Indians always try to ape the West”.

What exactly is the WEST that we refer to? I guess Europe is West too, isn’t it?

For beginners, Halloween is a strictly American tradition and is a cultural newbie for all countries in Europe. However, all major European cities witness Halloween parties being organized with relentless pomp.

So here we are, being witnesses to the direct impact of Capitalistic power, the power of commercialization. Its impact so strong that when mixed adequately with the right media channel, it can even make people willfully accept foreign traditions partially ( the commercial party part).

The Germans have started celebrating and embracing Halloween in a big way while the younger generation pays lesser and lesser attention to traditions like Walpurgis Night, which are similar to the American Halloween.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walpurgis_Night)

Everyone loves money and money has no loyalties, pretty true on a global scale when it comes to accepting American traditions with wide arms, all because of the right media mix and the power of money commercialization brings with it.

I felt the pressure too, I had to party since it was Halloween and I didnt wanna be left out while all my freinds went out to get drunk and dance with masks on. So while they had multiple orgasms in their quest for being semi American ( a.k.a COOL), I sipped my beer and enjoyed the night as another one where social pressure overcame sanity.

So what’s next ?

Oh crap, im runnin late, gotta attend that Thanksgiving Dinner at Bunty’s place !