Raging blood lines and the metal boot – Kashmir

Another few dead yesterday in Srinagar, for the first few days I tried to read a bit about the casualties but then if it’s all consistent, the people become numbers and the interest wanes out gradually ( for that matter even the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico has moved to Page 3 from the headlines).

Kashmir doesn’t send shivers down anybody’s spine anymore irrespective of where they come from. Isn’t it the place where shit goes down every other day anyway?


From an Indian perspective, the place has come a long way from being a state that wanted to shake hands and be all happy with its Union into the Islamic Republic of Pakistan to a state that produced the Indian Administrative Services Exam topper. A state famous for supplying images of mutilated body parts of violence victims for the daily news, to a state registering record number of tourists in holiday season.


From a Kashmiri perspective, the initial hype about Pakistan being the chosen one has died out and a neutral independent approach has gained significant strength.
So how do people end up dead in streets and the Indian Government and Armed forces find themselves standing at the edge of the blame finger? Why & how does the seasonal anti-India tirade gain momentum at short notices?
The answer lies in the most eternal answer to every problem in the world. Power & Money.
(Coolio had figured it all out in his famous track – Gangster’s Paradise!)

Shielded by the AFSPA (Armed forces special protection act), the CRPF practices least restraint while using the trigger. I mean they do shoot in the air, but forget to look up if someone happens to be in a balcony or at a window. Why don’t they care? They don’t because they are sent to protect people whom they know detest them.

That’s a shit deal!

The government pushes armed forces into Kashmir thinking it will lend a sense of security and maintain a state of preparedness incase Pakistan tries to experiment at garnering support from locals again. The armed forces step in looking to be revered and respected for the wonderful job they signed up for, instead receive cold stares and a bounty of hate. That’s a prime time Confusion State.


Now in this Confusion state, add a bit of politics. Hurriyat and Separatist groups vying for attention and aid money. They would do whatever it takes to make the best of this potluck of vested interests. Choose the right time (Amarnath Yatra involves lakhs of tourists and the world will watch), choose the right weather and raise the tempo again.


The CRPF, already disillusioned about why they are there in the first place is ready for its share of action. According to the flavor of the season, throw in some stone pelting, Pakistan flag waving and bunker burning and there we are, a perfect recipe for disaster.


It gives enough fodder for right wing Hindu parties to ask for support to crush the ‘Intolerant separatist Muslim terrorists’.

It gives enough attention and body bags to the Kashmiri groups to indulge in self pity and seek international aid for the remaining one year.

It gives the armed forces the much needed lessons in riot control and curfew operations, some of them even get medals for their ‘valor’.

It gives the Government of India another reason to maintain a high defense budget and the reason for military presence in Kashmir.

It’s a win-win situation! Everyone gets something out of it, so why the commotion.


People will crib about it, right after ordering a pizza they will write social networking updates through their GPRS enabled cellular devices, showing how concerned they are. Facebook groups will be created and the street children killed in these protests will be on those groups, next to the ONLINE group that claims at saving the tiger.

The Kashmiriyat that is said to be defended against occupation, dies the moment you let your kid out to a protest march.


The Democracy dies the moment you shield the armed forces from prosecution for shooting citizens of a state you call your own.


And our conscience dies everyday when we fail to register identities and a protestor becomes a Muslim and a soldier becomes an infidel.

20th May - Draw Muhammad Day - Why or Why Not ?

Before we go on a timeline study or historical perspective behind the specified day & date, lets learn a thing or two about children :-)

Eric Cartman happens to be a mean evil 8 year old who knows no respect for elders or society. He demonstrates absolute lack of tolerance towards different races, religions and communities and is religiously scheming new tricks to ridicule people. I believe that;s reason enough for him to be the most cherished animated character across the world.

As a follower of SouthPark and as a tolerant individual who's always game for a good laugh irrespective of its political correctness, I was looking forward to the 200th episode of the animated series.

Even before I could have a faint idea about the possible plot of the episode, death threats were issue to Matt Stone and Trey Parker who have successfully been entertaining the world for the last 13 years.

Apparently, the episodes 200 and 201 planned to show the Prophet Muhammad along side other gods like Jesus,Buddha and Krishna. Islam forbids any form of depiction involving the Prophet and this was blasphemous.

The notable point here is that the Prophet was not portrayed in poor light ( snorting cocaine or watching porn) but as a regular normal superpower who says OK and thanks ( that's it).

Radical Islam is a disease and a venomous snake that has been hissing and biting for quite some time now, it raised its hood once again over an animated series with threats to kill people/blow up offices. Sigh.

It so happened that the weak kneed Viacom decided to censor the parts depicting the Prophet and even censored a speech at the end of the show by Kyle ( an 8 year old kid). Fans worldwide were furious , some were pretty disappointed and I was one of them.

The Western world has gifted its citizens with the tool called ' Freedom of expression', and they were bound to be P I S S E D with this display of surrender to violent threats by Viacom. Thus started the movement where the intention was "You can threaten and kill 2 producers, but how can you kill a million people ? Fuck you Mr. Terrorist but I'm just about to draw the Prophet Muhammad"

Allegations and counter allegations later, Facebook-Youtube-Twitter were blocked in many Islamic countries and the Mullahs of the world proved yet again how insecure they are about their religion. I mean seriously, a religion under threat from the internet ? What are we doing here, its real fuckin life , not some Michael Bay directed Sci-fi movie where internet takes over the world ( for cryin out loud) !

If you have a problem with SouthPark, Don't watch it !

If you have a problem with Facebook, don't create an account on it !

If you have a problem with Internet, Urinate on your computers !

If you don't get laid and think life sucks , BLOW YOUR OWN COUNTRY UP, NOT US TOLERANT EDUCATED SOUTHPARK LOVERS!!


None of the other religions whose gods were portrayed ( that too in a sarcastic way, snorting coke n shit), had any problem. No Death threats were issues, no protest marches with burning flags on streets, no cap wearing leaders issuing prize money on murdering the producers. Only the mascots of the religion of piece(s) found another reason to alienate themselves and the unsuspecting moderate innocents of their own community from the developed world.

Il go do my Idol worship and cling to my sacred cow, and if you have issues too, then go walk around that black box, but for GOD's SAKE don't talk shit about South park !

Screw you guys, I'm goin home.

Cricket, UN and a set of balls

To begin with, I have always had a gut feeling that my passport would be snatched away abruptly by the government if they figured out that I lack the three basic ingredients of the Indian male.

1. I hate cricket
2. I don’t drink tea
3. I don’t scratch my balls in public

Coming to Cricket, it doesn’t amaze me that it’s a religion and undoubtedly the most popular game in the country. It’s probably the only game that allows you to be on the field and still have enough time to have tea, give television interviews, enjoy a cold pint, do your taxes and of course SCRATCH YOUR BALLS.


In the recent wake of the resignation of Dr. Shashi Tharoor over IPL Cricket controversy, I was angry-ashamed- tired at the same time. The dumb pot bellied tax evading citizens of India have once again proven that under no circumstances would an educated man be allowed to hold an office of repute.

What pisses me off additionally this time is that, a man of global stature who had a spotless and impressive career at the UN was humiliated and judged by immigrant Bihari reporters working for 3000 Rupees a month at a dozen odd ‘new Age news channels’ a.k.a Aaj Tak and India TV (A major portion of the 3000 goes into buying sleazy Hindi porn magazines showcasing Kamlesh and Pusspa from Darbhanga, for facilitating their hand motion routine to stay focused for the job)

The man who was in all aspects, eligible to be the next Prime Minister of India or at least be the recipient of a national honor has been subjected to pure unadulterated nonsense which the Indian masses readily gobbled up in the form of sensationalist news entertainment.

On the other hand are people like Lalit Modi, who learnt their dirty tactics at home during dinner table sessions. Coming from uneducated business families where it was all about making money and immigrating to a country where a 7/11 store could be operated with ease. Running the IPL franchisee with a typical Guajarati/Punjabi mindset. (Put half baked dancing chicks, make sure they are white, bombard all TV channels, buy stadiums then put em on rent, and YES help your own community...Aakhir Narendra Ji apne hi to hain)

I thank god for granting me the required quota of sanity for not being part of this retard crowd my country is full of, who do not raise their voice against the ejection of a wise and deserving man from the machinery that runs the nation.
I also salute Lalit and Narendra Modi for being able to have anal sex with their mother. Who needs Lashkar-e-Tayeba or Hizbul Mujahideen when we have these blood sucking sons of the motherland who do the job for them. A suicide bomber would kill 20 people at most, the ejection of a wise man from policy making affects the lives of millions. Go do the math yourself.
Screw you guys, im goin home.

Winning Hearts and Minds

With the dozen odd rendezvous that I have had with NATO/US Army convoys on the roads of Afghanistan, a common warning has been issued by almost everyone who has spent more than 3 months in the country. Not driving on the road while they do and not looking at them in the eye while they spend the time ‘liberating’ this country.

The morning of the day before, an unsuspecting bus driver in Kandahar city happened to leave the bus terminal just about the same time a ‘Fuck-yeah-man-we’re-the-fuckin-marines-bro-hoooahh’ convoy was rolling down the same street. Outcome – 4 dead bus passengers and 12 injured including kids and women.

This was not a new or shocking incident; it was the third in a week of its kind. As a standard protocol the US military announced that the incident was ‘unfortunate’, I guess they forgot to add the words like ‘avoidable’ and ‘unnecessary’ to it.

8 years into the war, Afghanistan is still a no-go for the civilized world and western troops are witnessing more violence against them than what they encountered 4-5 years ago. Taliban issue threats and rule the land with their proxy government while the NATO/US Army control areas no more than 200 meter radiuses from their compounds. The whole farce of liberating the country is coming of age and the true cracks in the ‘coalition of the willing’ are starting to emerge with many nations planning to withdraw troops from Afghanistan ( Netherlands even had a parliamentary change of government due to the issue!)

Another problem lies with the low IQ levels and short sightedness of the American public who are easily deceived by the media and their government. They were forced to believe that some 18th century -Quran reading-outdated Kalashnikov wielding tribal Taliban managed to get a resident US Visa ( I couldn’t!) and then slammed into the WTC after intense training at flight schools. YEAH RIGHT. Majority of American citizens DO NOT know the difference between an Afghan, Arab and Persian. (Do you?)
Even as an Indian, I am considered as an Arab sometimes by Americans! I’m supposed to be angry, but I laugh, I laugh at their ignorance and amuse myself with the fact that THESE men and women are the future of America.
If you lack the basic knowledge of the geography and its people, then why the FUCK do you support the war that you have no clue about ?

No wonder I am a strong believer in the theory of New world order and power shift between east and west, these men and women will be instrumental for the east becoming more powerful in the next quarter century.

All said n done, Taliban needed to go, THAT part of the deal was good. Giving the people of this country some breathing space was the best intent and thought behind operation Enduring Freedom. So how did this get screwed up midway? Why do the people who were supposed to cheer for the GI Joes and support them unconditionally are now against the ‘liberation turned occupation’ of their country.

It’s simple; trigger happy 18 year olds who transitioned from Xbox 360 to real world Afghanistan and armed with the license to kill are screwing up the whole deal. These lower middle class American youngsters from lifestyles where they had nothing to do, and now armed to the teeth are on an all expenses paid adrenaline trip and lack the maturity to maintain public faith in their favor.

The attitude of anything goes in the war on terror provides enough immunity to these soldiers to get away with murder. 8 years in Iraq and now American troops are on their way out with Iraq worse than ever before. No Law and order, farcical government and devastated citizens. Eye-Rack is now Liberated, Good Job Marines..Hooaaahh! (Maybe we should rename the country I-wreck).

Are we looking at a second Iraq in the making and a third Vietnam for the strongest military in the world?

Well, at this point someone has got to tell these guys that shooting innocent civilians in the chest and head isn’t exactly winning hearts and minds.

Another day In Kabul

HAPPIER DAYS AT THE SAFI LANDMARK










With an abrupt message from my friend Darren who lives in the city centre of Kabul, I had another tryst with the much discussed way of living in Afghanistan. Darren lives hardly a kilometer away from the Safi Landmark complex in Kabul which came under multiple suicide attacks this morning. I write this post as my fellow colleagues are focused on getting as much information possible from within the close knit Indian community in Kabul. Busy on their mobiles phones and hooked on to television sets, everyone knows the reason behind the attack on the Indian run hotel this morning. Surprisingly, India had warned Pakistan from sponsoring terror against Indians just yesterday. Do the math yourself.

Darren’s message at 8 am was not to inform about the blast or his safety. It was to check on me, since all dead in the attacks this morning happened to be Indians.
As our country goes on and starts a fresh round of ‘composite dialogue’ with Pakistan, the only question that my mind raises in anger is ‘WHAT THE FUCK’. We have had 60 years of dialogue with a bunch of morons representing the government of a country that has no democracy and no one exactly knows who’s running it! What is the guarantee that the Pakistani Prime Minister will not be assassinated or asked to leave the country next month?

They don’t have an economy, survive on bread crumbs thrown in by the US as an incentive to keep a tab on Taliban, their people kill their own people every second day in bomb blasts across multiple cities and the future of the citizens bleak with visa restrictions and masses treading the radical Islamic path. Gradually the country is digressing into decadence and a doomed future. With such a situation we understand that Pakistan is jealous of India’s rising position in world politics and the constant growth in economy and quality of life.

Yes, India has its problems too but unlike Pakistan, our biggest export to the world is not Terrorism and radical Islam.

The Safi Landmark hotel in Kabul was a sign of progress and prosperity, the chic cafes and the swish boutiques were a pleasant recluse for the people of Kabul who had been longing to have their share of globalization and little luxuries of life. However, how could the Pakistan backed Taliban tolerate this little indulgence the Kabul citizens subscribed to. How dare they enjoy an evening when Peshawar and Lahore get bombed? Pakistan is fucked, and they shall ensure everyone else is too!
The focus of attack this morning was an Indian restaurant that was visited by Indians and other expats, the motive and the message clear, Pakistan does not want cordial India-Afghanistan relations.

For those of you new to the subject, here is a one liner that might give you a heads up: Taliban is NOT an Afghan organization as presumed, it is a Peshawar backed organization funded by the ISI – The military wing of Pakistan’s defense forces.
The Afghans and Indians share much more than cinema, lasting friendship and cordial relations. It’s a common thread that binds the two countries and makes Indians like me feel at home and enjoy the warmth of Afghan Hospitality – It’s the hate towards Pakistan.

The attack this morning just made the Indian- Afghan bond stronger. The infidel Darren from UK has been invited by Infidel Prateek for a few beers and life goes on in Kabul. Jai Hind!

Susceptibility to pressure – Halloween in India

I write this text while sub consciously thinking of ways to get rid of the hangover I face due to the slightly exuberant consumption last night. Most of the people I know were out partying and I faintly remember being greeted with smiles and ‘Happy Halloween’ merchandise in the wee hours of the morning.

My initial eruptions of resistance emerged during my first encounters with Halloween party celebrations on social networking websites, that claimed to give you the spookiest night in town etc etc.

When the likes of Ashok and Pushpa express their excitement and discuss their state of preparedness for the Halloween celebrations, it makes me wonder about the extent of inroads that American culture (commercial aspect of it) has made into the lives of unsuspecting gullible global consumers.

Under no circumstances and in no way am I opposed to cultures coming together and people learning about different traditions and rituals, however, the ritualistic/meaningful aspect of Halloween has been lost somewhere between the costumes and the exorbitant ‘couple entry charges’ at every club that wants to milk this cash cow.

If Diwali, Christmas and Eid can be celebrated at home, what makes Halloween a tradition that somehow is restricted to clubs and parties!

If the real tradition is studied and compared, Hinduism has something similar in form of Shraadh and Shanichari Amavas ( The Moon-less night on a Saturday). Better than that, the Aghorees of Varanasi can make the Pumpkin ghosts shit their pants any given day.
But who cares, that’s so ‘local’ yaar, Halloween is ‘cool’, that’s the USP.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aghori)
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amavasya)

The Average mundane concerned nationalistic retard would dutifully blame it on the ‘West’ and brush it off as “Indians always try to ape the West”.

What exactly is the WEST that we refer to? I guess Europe is West too, isn’t it?

For beginners, Halloween is a strictly American tradition and is a cultural newbie for all countries in Europe. However, all major European cities witness Halloween parties being organized with relentless pomp.

So here we are, being witnesses to the direct impact of Capitalistic power, the power of commercialization. Its impact so strong that when mixed adequately with the right media channel, it can even make people willfully accept foreign traditions partially ( the commercial party part).

The Germans have started celebrating and embracing Halloween in a big way while the younger generation pays lesser and lesser attention to traditions like Walpurgis Night, which are similar to the American Halloween.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walpurgis_Night)

Everyone loves money and money has no loyalties, pretty true on a global scale when it comes to accepting American traditions with wide arms, all because of the right media mix and the power of money commercialization brings with it.

I felt the pressure too, I had to party since it was Halloween and I didnt wanna be left out while all my freinds went out to get drunk and dance with masks on. So while they had multiple orgasms in their quest for being semi American ( a.k.a COOL), I sipped my beer and enjoyed the night as another one where social pressure overcame sanity.

So what’s next ?

Oh crap, im runnin late, gotta attend that Thanksgiving Dinner at Bunty’s place !

Russian Hospitality - The 5 lesson Program

My decision to visit Moscow was met with a mixed response by everyone who was informed of this news. It was exciting to go to Russia on one hand, on the other; I was warned and given looks that could put one of those angry characters from Dragon BallZ to shame!

I am someone who adapts quickly, pick up words in a foreign country and believe that it cannot be really difficult to get by in a new country.

With dreams of standing at the centre of the red square and saying “Spasiba” to the smiling faces around me, I boarded the Aeroflot Flight from New Delhi to Moscow.
Lesson one involved distortion and non compliance with standard appearance ethics and aesthetics. The flight stewardess was a big fat grumpy lady, in her early 40s who seemed to be forced by the KGB to operate on a flight full of tourists, in the vain hope of gathering intelligence. My heart skipped a beat, I knew something was different, only 3 minutes onto the flight and I started having a bad feeling about the next 7 hours.

With optimism and hope, I decided to don that smile on my face again and proceeded towards my seat.
Now, while I settled down in my seat looking forward to landing in Moscow and ‘maybe’ meeting some talkative Russian onboard who could reveal snippets about what, where and how much related questions about a city I’ve never been to.

A few seconds into my seat and I knew what I was getting into. It’s called depression.
With about 3 inches of leg space, no in-flight entertainment and a newly married Indian couple from Bihar next to me, this was going to be one of the longest flights of my life. Lesson two involved gearing up for the unexpected and I was up for the challenge. After all I was on vacation and nothing could deter me from enjoying myself and being happy.

Lesson three involved my first cultural awakening, the air hostess spoke little English. 2 sentences to be precise:-/
1. Seat Upright position please
2. Vegetarian meal order here now
That was her repository of the queen’s language. Nice.

Upon requesting a blanket since I was dressed for summer, the prompt response was ‘DA’ (which is YES in Russian). After about 6 requests and 18 DAs, I did not receive a blanket and was left wondering if she expects me to repeat DA and keep repeating it till I start feeling warm. (Might have been some secret Russian grandma recipe to beat the cold).

As I sat there wearing my 3 t-shirts, food was definitely on my mind and I was looking forward to devouring some assorted delicacies which would represent the best of Indo-Russian cuisine. As the food trolley painstakingly slowly got pushed towards me, I could feel my mouth salivating and the intensity greed and hunger multiplying itself manifold. I greeted the stewardess with a smile as wide as the River Mississippi and hurriedly grabbed the two neatly arranged foil paper covered boxes.

When I opened those boxes, something rolled down the side of my eye, it was a teardrop.

Since I had ordered a vegetarian meal, I was served RAW CARROTS (have to admit, they were stylishly cut into small pieces) and boiled rice. Yes, plain white rice boiled to perfection. With a dead appetite and a heavy heart, I asked her for a beer instead.

Voila! 3 seconds later I was sipping a chilled Tuborg! And exactly 3 seconds later to that, I heard a familiar voice of the female stewardess saying “3 Euro, beer 3 Euro”. I had to fuckin pay for beer on an international flight!

Finally we arrived in Moscow at 7.30 in the morning. I was hungry, cold and felt cheated but the thought of finally making it to the Russian Federation overwhelmed every other trivial negativity that might have cropped up in the previous seven hour airborne ordeal.

The immigration counter was my lesson 4, as I was filling up my arrival form and was not sure if I had to fill departure as well, I stood at the counter and asked the lady to stamp my passport.
She said something in Russian which obviously I did not understand, and responded with “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Russian, English only”. She repeated herself in a harsher, louder tone (Russian again)

After 3 attempts and my standard let-me-smile-and-pacify approach, she threw a pen on my face! And that’s when I realized I need to fill in the departure form as well. She had learnt her ‘sign language much better than me!

Out in the streets, everyone expected you to be a PhD in Russian linguistics, since every sign, every street name and every information board was in Russian. Thank fully I had researched my way to get to the Bellorusky train station and I somehow managed to meet my friend Alex who proved to be my Armor in the Shining Day.

Lesson 5 involved a little Absinth, a bunch of friends who really care, no knowledge of Russian, a baseball bat, a swollen head, a missed flight and detention at the airport J
Russians are known to be aggressive and treat their guests in a ‘special manner’. I was taken to a bar, I asked my Russian friends to order something for me since I could not read the Russian menu. They ordered a surprise for me. It involved Vodka, Tequila, Absinth, Rum, a helmet and a Baseball bat.

Join the dots yourself and you’d figure out the missed flight and the detention at the airport ;-)

if you cant, visit youtube for the video of the event :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn-S_UKl9ss

Da ?