A Bengali Odyssey - Calcutta

As I decided to accept the job opportunity that would take me to Calcutta (though for a short duration), I was somewhat prepared for a phase of culture shock. As I touched ground zero and started allowing the reality to sink in, I figured that the state of West Bengal is shittier than I had imagined it to be. Now I am a rude-arrogant asshole with little or no respect for crappy places but Calcutta managed to exceed the threshold and that is something worth mentioning on my blog.

I always thought why the British chose Bengal as their entry point for India. Now I get it, what better than to enter a place where people are poor lazy and the whole city sleeps every afternoon! Its perfect – they will even make a monument to celebrate slavery and call it Victoria Memorial!

Humble would be the last word popping in your head as you describe an average Bengali. Poets, philosophers, singers, artists – anything that doesn’t involve real manual labor or hard work are all thriving obsessions here. Also, it happens to be that ALL Bengalis (irrespective of age, socio-financial background, education) think that they have a special gift from god and are the chosen prophets of intellect. It is extremely amusing to see a half naked illiterate Bengali on the street beam with pride and look down at ‘Me the outsider’ since he grew up listening to Rabindra Sangeet and living the life Marx promised – while I was getting my modern (capitalist) education and wearing complete set of clothes (not to mention 2 showers a day – which is referred to as ‘water wastage’ here). Apparently, the national hero here is Rabindranath Tagore – a man who used to hang out with chicks in his private farm all day and write poetry and stuff. I mean give me a private farm with young chicas when I get old and I’d write freaking Booker prize winning stuff !


The odyssey begins the moment you leave the Airport – Air conditioning in the Taxis is a BIG NO since it would be extremely rude towards the poor who suffer in the heat on the same road. As a gesture of equality amongst masses, no taxis are allowed to have air conditioning (bigger reason is the fact that most locals cannot pay an increased fare if the ACs are installed in Taxis). Dilapidated old ambassadors that are commonly referred to as ‘Charming’ for some reason, ply on the equally dilapidated roads as if complimenting each other or competing for ‘Which is worse ? The Car or the road? Contest.
For unknown or very obvious reasons, these taxis are painted bright yellow – as if a constant reminder that you are in a ‘Shitty place’, what better than to paint them in a shit shade as a token of acceptance.

I do not blame the average Bengali for being naive with money management skills or lack of business acumen, the Communists ruled the state for 4 decades and it’s evident. However, there is a difference between not having business acumen and being retarded with zero common sense – Taxi drivers in Calcutta switch off their car engines even if the signal goes red for 5 seconds – They think they actually saved some gas! Any person remotely associated with cars or driving knows how much gas is consumed when you turn the engine on again!

When your Taxi finally takes you to work, that’s when the beautiful enigma unfolds itself. Work is a word that might be entered as a ‘disrespectful and racially provocative abuse’ in the law of the state. Work would be the last thing you would do at ‘Work’.


A typical Bengali workday consists of 4 phases – Chai, Socializing, Food, Commuting to & from ‘work’ – which leaves very little room for actual work. As an unwritten rule (or maybe written in Bengali only) emails will not be responded to, office timings would be printed in the ‘Jokes & Humor’ section, an average meal lasts 2 hours and anyone drinking less than 20 cups of Chai per day will not be eligible for promotion.

In fact, I AM AT WORK as I write this piece of literary masterpiece about my acquaintance and learning’s from the Great Bangla culture. All I see is happy faces as I look around, this is genuine happiness – Free tea, no work, Air conditioned office and a salary on top of that! What more could you ask for when you don’t even speak proper English and don’t have a clue of what you were hired for! Bliss.
The idea of FUN and FROLIC is pretty straightforward in Calcutta – having fun or ‘let’s do something’ receives a common and unanimous response – WHAT DO WE EAT.
The average Bengali weighs 96 Kgs (Yes, both male and female) and the Bay of Bengal is as empty as a Bengali’s brain, thanks to their love for fish. They can eat 11 meals a day and scientists worldwide are amazed at this superhuman like quality that defies biological science and is a medical miracle.
Chances are you will find a Bengali eating almost every single time you meet her/him and there have been instances where the fetish for food superseded everything else ( Porn movies where Bengali actors fornicate while polishing off a fresh fish and pouring Mishti Doi over each other).

As observed by most of you – Bengali males have what seems to be a ‘swollen jawline’ – There is a layer of fat around the jaw bones which makes them starkingly different looking from men from other parts of the world. See example of extra jaw line fat in Links:ll

http://www.filmyfriday.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Kumar_Sanu_3.jpg

http://www.indianetzone.com/photos_gallery/4/Bappi-Lahiri_17409.jpg

In spite of these anomalies and mental discrepancies, Bengalis like to call themselves Tigers and believe they are flag bearers of a progressive-modern India. Whether it is the fat Pan-spitting Marwaris who think wearing a gold chain makes them a Sheikh from Arabia, or the regular man on the street who watches a Mithun movie and thinks it deserved an Oscar – Pride is unparalleled. Try telling a Bengali that his state sucks and he would vehemently deny and show you the ‘Charm & Heritage’ in the old buildings that need a repaint (or best demolished).

My message would be:

What you call a relaxed lifestyle is what the world calls laziness

What you call good health is what the world calls obesity

What you call social reform and equality is what the world calls economic crisis & poverty

What you call Sonar Bangaal is what the world calls a piece of shit

Screw you Rabindranath Tagore and screw Shyam Benegal too ! Im goin home !

PS: I HAVE USED THE NAME CALCUTTA IN STEAD OF KOLKATA AS I PREFER TO USE THE SLAVE NAME THE BRITISH GAVE THIS PLACE, AS THAT’S WHAT THIS PLACE DESERVES