To my brothers, sisters and fellow corrupt douchebags of this great nation, let me embark on this literary journey to introduce you to the world of exported Babudom. Yes, you guessed it right – IFS – Indian Foreign Services, our diplomatic staff in the distant lands.
The crisp ironed shirt wearing Babus who are the flag bearers of this great nation and its legacy to people in far away countries. They enjoy diplomatic immunity, fantastic foreign exchange salary, free travel and a lot of other perks that include the privilege of being allowed to take one servant along to the land of their posting.
Seems perfect, doesn’t it?
What more could a Babu ask for? If not for this little blessing right from the Headquarters of Bhagwan via Fedex, they would have been sitting in some pan-stained dusty office in India.
This is the stage in my little rambling when I throw a bit more light on the Indian rope trick and emphasize on how it has quintessentially proved time and again – ‘You can take an Indian out of India, but you can’t take the Indian out of him’. Magical words I tell you, never do they seem truer and so etched in stone than in Indian embassies abroad. Always makes me emotional, sniff.
The rope trick involves creating a paper rope, no no, not a physical rope you silly reader, a rope of documentation requirements that is meant to go around the neck of a visa applicant.
Only steel cuts steel, only diamond cuts diamond – similarly, only paper cuts paper. Kapish ? catch my drift ? Papers come in various varieties. Certificates, letters, mark-sheets, sale deeds, agreements and of course Bank notes.
Case 1: A babu working at the Indian embassy at Toronto earns roughly $55 an hour, not to it is tax free. A 2 year tenure should easily allow him to come back home and buy a decent apartment or a 250 gaj plot in the suburbs (of course purely as an investment, he is a foreign return diplomatique babu – he don’t stay in no suburbs).
His stature and salary structure do not desist him in indulging what he thinks is part of his SLA with the government of India and its citizens.
Asking for money.
The Number 1 SLA/KPI every babu is appraised on during his ACR/year end review.
The bribe amount starts at $50 and goes down to $20 (C’mon, bargaining is fun and a habit too!)
Some of the people who were asked for a $20 bribe were so offended by the level to which Babudom had stooped. They had expected a ‘foreign posted’ babu to show some more self respect and asked for at least $35. Several bribe givers, oh..I meant, peasants angrily put an extra $10 in the bribe to bring it to a respectable amount. True story, by god.
Case 2: Diplomatic Staff at Indian embassy in Bangkok made an elderly C level Italian executive run around in circles for his visa for a simple reason. He had applied for an employment visa to India and his ‘age proof’ was missing from his documents.
Some of you are probably smiling victoriously right now, claiming to know what comes next.
Yes, his passport and birth certificate were not considered as authentic enough to substantiate his date of birth.
Exasperated, frustrated – the Italian asked the magical rope trick trigger question, about what would be considered a DOB proof.
The Babu goes : “ 10th ka certificate hai aapke paas ?”
The noose of the Indian rope fastened, the Italian’s worst nightmare was now a real life drama.
The magic trick was now complete.
Bharat Mata ki Jai.
